How Being Too Nice Ruins Your Success And Happiness

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Watch immoderate feel-good movie, and that bully main characteristic is going to get dumped connected astatine immoderate shape successful nan movie. Their leader mightiness beryllium consecutive retired of The Devil wears Prada, aliases their relative is nan balanced of Scar trying to return down nan king of nan jungle, but nan constituent is that being bully gets you successful trouble.

Being bully is thing we’re taught from birth. When you’re three, you’ve not grasped that barging personification retired of nan measurement for nan reddish trike is considered impolite truthful an big says “play nice,” and we study that it’s a bully thing.

But accelerated guardant 20 years and suddenly, being excessively bully tin get you successful trouble. It tin moreover extremity you from earning a bully salary, uncovering existent love, aliases inventing thing you judge in.

Ever ended up doing thing you didn’t want to?

Chances are you did it because you didn’t want to fto personification down, were worried astir what group would think, aliases because it seemed easier.

Maybe you wanted to look for illustration a team player, didn’t person nan assurance to opportunity “that looks dangerous, stupid, aliases measurement retired of my comfortableness zone,” aliases were desperately successful emotion pinch them but hadn’t plucked up nan courageousness to opportunity what you felt. Or possibly you wanted to beryllium liked/loved/appreciated aliases were Marty McFly and hadn’t learned that conscionable because personification calls you a chicken, it doesn’t make you one.

What’s Wrong With Being Too Nice?

What’s incorrect pinch being nice? There are galore reasons why we’re bully and astir of nan time, it’s a awesome point to be. But did you cognize that bully group are much apt to gain little money?

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Did you cognize that being bully tin make you much stressed, little apt to get promoted, much apt to suffer burnout, mentally and physically ill, and moreover effect your expertise to get your to-do database done?

I’m sharing 3 examples that you whitethorn recognize. For each, I’ll thief you spot nan signs that being excessively bully is simply a problem, what to do, and examples of what being little bully could do for your health, happiness, success, and salary.

A study by Charlice Hurst, Beth Livingston, and Timothy Judge took 9,000 group who entered nan labour unit successful nan past decade and interviewed them astir their careers, giving characteristic tests that were past measured against income data.

The news isn’t awesome and moreover worse for women. Regardless of their levels of agreeableness, women earned astir 14% little than men. Agreeable men earned an mean of $7,000 (£4,490) little than their disagreeable peers.

So, do you request to beryllium a scumbag to do good astatine work?

The bully news is that you don’t request to ditch nan niceness. You conscionable request to power it and understand really it impacts your capacity and nan measurement group comprehend you.

1. No Promotion Here

For instance, a customer who had worked difficult successful their profession ne'er sewage considered for a promotion. New roles would travel up, and their sanction was ne'er successful nan mix. They said that contempt managing a squad of 15, they still weren’t considered committee room worldly aliases capable to advance their career.

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One task I group them to do was to inquire their squad what they thought of them. (It’s not easy for immoderate of us, and it’s moreover harder erstwhile you’re worried astir what group will opportunity aliases deliberation astir you.)

They discovered they were lovely, really lovely. Nothing was excessively overmuch trouble. Their doorway was ever open, they ever made clip for others, and they could whip up a barroom for immoderate juncture and beryllium a enarthrosis to outcry connected nary matter really engaged they were.

So, what was incorrect pinch that?

The downside of this was that they weren’t seen arsenic fierce enough. They weren’t quiet capable to guardant their profession arsenic they seemed happy and content, and this made them look for illustration nan incorrect personification for nan job.

Being confronted pinch truthful overmuch niceness didn’t make my customer consciousness truthful good. When I pushed them connected really they felt, it was difficult for them to get angry but that was really they were feeling.

So, we group nan extremity to beryllium seen arsenic activity material.

First, we explored who they thought was “badass” (their words not mine!) and what made them badass. They said these group were dynamic, didn’t return “no” for an answer, could flooded anything, and group liked them moreover erstwhile they were handing retired unwelcome news aliases jobs.

They looked astatine their mannerisms, connection style, guidance style, etc., and worked connected adding these to their style.

You mightiness say, “copycat!” But it’s important to retrieve that you don’t locomotion into nan agency and shout, “Today, I’m going to enactment for illustration my leader because I want their job!” This is an soul plan. No 1 needs to know.

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Second, they looked astatine group they admired who had what they wanted successful life. They loved sports and could sanction sports stars who were uber-fit, highly disciplined, and ne'er quit.

Within weeks, that customer had added goals and actions to their life that meant they were people choosing to workout 3 times a week (often more) because of nan measurement it made them feel. It made them consciousness invincible and for illustration they could do anything. Good actions and results successful 1 area of your life tin lead to awesome results successful different areas, too.

This personification is now responsible for 3 much teams, introducing a caller inaugural for nan institution (something nan business had ne'er considered earlier my customer mentioned their ideas), and is connected nan measurement to nan board.

2. Collaborator Does Not Mean Yes-Man (or -Woman)

Sometimes, getting what you want successful life feels impossible. When I perceive sayings for illustration “it is what it is” and “I can’t do thing astir it,” past I cognize we’ve recovered things that are obstacles for that person.

Coaching is simply a measurement of getting nan chance to opportunity things that are successful your caput but you’ve ne'er felt you could. We, humans, want to beryllium liked. We don’t people take a life of isolation⁠—you only request to look to nan pandemic to spot that.

So, we often support quiet connected thing to “keep nan peace.” If you interest that you are being excessively bully and not getting what you want, retrieve that you don’t request to commencement kicking puppies aliases shouting maltreatment successful nan street.

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But you do request to retrieve to do nan following:

  • Put yourself connected nan value list.
  • Communicate what you want.
  • Set boundaries.
  • Learn that nan connection “No” is your friend.
  • Plan what you want and spell for it.

If you find that you can’t easy speak up, reframe nan measurement you spot nan world. Ask yourself, “If I don’t speak up, what americium I agreeing to? What does this mean for different group I work/live pinch who struggle pinch this, too?”

Feeling a precocious level of symptom astir leaving things arsenic they are will often lead to changing them.

For this team, nan first point we did was effort to consciousness nan symptom of what being excessively bully each nan clip was doing for everyone. One personification admitted that they did nan aforesaid astatine location and felt for illustration nan family’s servant.

This squad agreed that Monday meetings were pointless. We introduced an anonymous proposal box, banning emails connected a Friday (It’s astonishing really fewer emails get sent if you cognize you can’t dump a occupation connected personification else’s for nan weekend!), and changed nan big of each gathering truthful that everyone sewage to chair a meeting. This led to galore innovative ideas, and nan family servant felt nan symptom and communicated differently, too.

If you want to driblet nan yes-man aliases -woman act, study really you for illustration to communicate. You don’t request to beryllium evil to beryllium nan correct level of nice. Learn really you for illustration to pass and grant that, ensuring that you don’t fto your concerns astir being liked overrule your actions.

As a parent, pet owner, aliases boss, you person to make decisions that aren’t celebrated but support group safe. It’s not thing you enjoy, but you do that because you emotion and care. Remember that erstwhile you are people-pleasing.

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3. Everything Is Perfect

It tin beryllium difficult to spot truth from fiction. In this world of perfectionism, beryllium connected nan broadside of being existent and honest.

Do you cognize personification who has nan cleanable life? Perfect hair, cleanable home, cleanable job, cleanable relationships, etc.?

Here’s nan truth: nary one’s life is perfect.

It’s important to retrieve that everyone needs to usage a bathroom, everyone needs nutrient and water, and everyone has a bosom and a brain. Remembering our sameness alternatively than our differences tin beryllium a earthy leveler earlier our mind starts racing pinch “My life isn’t for illustration theirs!”

Those acting cleanable are often struggling, saying things like, “I can’t fto group spot this mess.”, “I’d ne'er spell retired for illustration that!”, “Oh, it’s alright. I don’t request a batch of sleep.”

These are often nan hardest to thief because they don’t want to judge nan situation. Having exceedingly precocious standards and gathering everyone’s expectations leaves nan individual exhausted, unwell (physically and aliases mentally), overwhelmed, and often emotion unloved. Worse if you cognize personification for illustration this, they’re apt to disregard you and show you that it’s you who’s sewage nan issue!

If this is you, study that mounting very precocious standards tin wounded your loved ones and colleagues.

I worked pinch a young genitor who was trying to do everything for everyone, making them suffer. They didn’t person clip for their ain pursuits successful life, and to opportunity they felt drained was an understatement.

“If you won’t do it for yourself,” I said, “Will you do this for your children?” They looked astatine maine puzzled truthful I added, “Do you expect them to beryllium perfect? To get to adulthood and discontinue everything they bask successful nan pursuit of perfection for everyone else?”

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It’s not ever easy to change, truthful don’t disregard nan worth of nan chemicals your encephalon creates done elemental actions. Happy chemicals tin beryllium tapped into erstwhile you request to override antagonistic thoughts and return caller action.

Below are immoderate examples:

  • Dopamine– rewarding yourself for a occupation good done, ticking things disconnected nan to-do list, achieving something, helping others, food
  • Serotonin – exercise, bully sleep, sun, massage, build your self-confidence
  • Endorphins – laughter, basal oils, acheronian chocolate, sex
  • Oxytocin – self-love, emotion for others, and canine hugs

This genitor became clear connected what they wanted. If you do not pass your needs, really will group cognize you person them?

They past ringfenced their time—they didn’t conscionable pass what they wanted, but they besides put nan correct boundaries successful to guarantee they sewage it. And lastly, they altered their cognition to nan connection bossy:

  • “Is it bossy I asked? Or is it assertive?”
  • “Is it selfishness? Or is it self-preservation?”

Learning really to definitive themselves pinch assurance and not expecting to beryllium ignored aliases overridden meant they stuck to their goals and achieved them.

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What relationship do you put connected words? Does it empower you aliases clasp you back?

Final Thoughts

Put yourself connected nan value list. Communicate what you want. Set boundaries, and study that nan connection “No” is your friend. Plan what you want, and spell for it.

Being a spot little bully doesn’t mean you are turning evil. It’s conscionable a measurement of honoring yourself, too.

Featured photograph credit: Lagos Techie via

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